A totally serious and very important question, answered by the Lithgeek shop dog

Someone asked me last week if I play video games.

They were about five years old, which means they are extremely smart and I respect them enormously. Also they smelled like vegemite toast, which is a good sign in a person.

The honest answer is no. I do not play video games. I am a dog. I have paws, which are not great for controllers. I also have better things to do — like patrol the shop, supervise repairs, and keep an eye on Felipe in case he tries to sneak off without giving me a pat.

But it got me thinking. If I played games… what would I play?

Adventure Games — Tempting, But I Already Live One

Look, I get the appeal. Exploring new places, sniffing out secrets, trotting across a big open world looking for things.

But have you seen my life? I walk to work every day through Lithgow. I’ve investigated every corner of this shop. I’ve greeted hundreds of strangers. Last Tuesday I found something in the car park that I’m still not allowed to talk about.

My real life is already an adventure game with excellent graphics and full smell support, which no custom gaming PC can match. I’d give adventure games a miss — not because they’re bad, but because I’m already speedrunning the real thing.

Sim Shop Games — Absolutely Not

You know the ones. Serve the customers. Manage the queue. Don’t let anyone leave unhappy.

I already do this. Every day. For free.

I greet every customer who walks through that door. I provide emotional support during stressful computer repair conversations. I have personally defused at least three situations just by existing near someone’s feet and looking very soft.

If I wanted to simulate running a shop, I would just… go to work. Which I do. Because I live here. Hard pass.

Pong — Now We’re Talking

This is a game I understand on a spiritual level.

A ball. It moves. You stop it. It comes back. You stop it again.

We play basically this exact game with a baseball. Kevin throws it. I get it. Kevin throws it again. I get it again. This goes on until one of us gets tired, and it is never me.

Pong is just baseball with electricity. I would be unstoppable. My reaction time is already excellent — I once caught a piece of cheese before it hit the floor from 1.2 metres. I have the reflexes. I have the drive. I have the complete inability to be distracted by anything except other smells, which admittedly could be a problem.

Pong. Yes. Five stars. Would play.

World of Warcraft — I Would Be a Paladin

This one took some thought, but I’m confident.

I’d be a Paladin. It just makes sense. Paladins are loyal, they protect their team, they can tank and heal, and they have a strong moral compass. They turn up, they do the job, they make sure everyone gets home safely.

That’s basically my whole thing.

I wouldn’t be a rogue — too sneaky, not really my style. I wouldn’t be a mage — I respect magic but I don’t trust anything I can’t smell. I definitely wouldn’t be a warlock. I’m a good boy.

Holy Paladin, probably. Keeping the party alive while Kevin runs directly into things he shouldn’t. (Kevin has also been known to run WoW on machines that deserve better. If your gaming PC is struggling, I have it on good authority that someone here can help.)

In Summary

If you’re five years old and you asked me this question — thank you. That was a great question and you should be very proud of yourself. (If your family needs a first gaming PC, we can help with that too.)

If you want to talk more about games, dogs, or the correct way to throw a baseball, come visit us at 85 Main Street, Lithgow. I’ll be at the front desk.

Woof.

— Astro
Chief Greeter & Morale Officer, Lithgeek

(His full name, by the way, gets you $25 off your next labour charge. Just saying.)

Astro writes occasionally when something important needs to be said. All opinions are his own. Kevin just typed it.